As much as I am aware that my time in Sweden is temporary, that the day when I leave the country is just a matter of time, it doesn’t make it easier for me to deal with it when the time eventually comes.
My heart still aches
But I only have myself to blame.
Wherever I live, I tend to create a Horcrux, something that stores a piece of my soul, even if I didn’t possess and certainly didn’t perform any kind of magic like He Who Must Not Be Named.
I did that to Australia, 9 years ago, and I did that too to Sweden in the last 5 years. This country has become my new Horcrux.
Part of the reasons why I do that is my upbringing and my nature to always seize the day, to enjoy every moment and make the most of it no matter where I go or live.
Instead of just being the so called PhD partner, I insisted to do my own things too. I embraced the every day life in Sweden. I picked up the local habits. I learnt the language. I made friends. I worked, both voluntarily and professionally. I even took freestanding courses in the subject I’ve been passionated about.
Some people found this absurd, if I didn’t have any intention to stay in Sweden for good.
I would be lying if I said that the thought had never crossed my mind. At some points I would love to stay in Sweden longer, particularly because this country is really a good place to raise children. But even so, I never thought of staying here for the rest of my life. I’m not a planner, and to think of something as “forever” is just not my style. It doesn’t fit me.
But the choice to live the life in Sweden wholeheartedly certainly has an impact. I have let Sweden grow in me, more than I planned to. I attach to this place more than I should. So when I have to leave now, it feels like I’m leaving a part of me behind.
I know this is just me being melancholic as usual, but after almost five years calling myself a Lundensian, I think I have the right to feel a little bit of melancholic.
Five years is not a short time after all
But I don’t want to repeat the same mistake. I want to be real this time.